Title: Were on!
Author: Batgirl
Rating: MA
Summary: A few heroes somehow wind up on the Jerry Springer Show. Whos gunna open the can of whup ass!?
Disclaimer: Batman and all other related characters are property of DC Comics and Time Warner productions. Jerry Springer and all other trademarks belong to Jerry and his crew. <br><br>
Note: I donıt know WHY I came up with the idea to actually do this...I just thought it would be something to laugh about. Iım sorry if anyone is offended. If youre an exsutive from the Jerry Springer Show or from DC Comics and want me to remove this fic then please contact me privately and Iıll gladly do so. Set in the animated universe
Dedication: Goes out to my best gal pal Carmen. Thanks for
the inspiration!!! =o)
*****************
<
[Fade in showing
Jerry Springer sign. Focus in on cheering audience. Pan down to Jerry
Springerıs form standing in the middle of floor, theme music plays.]
Jerry: Hello
everyone and welcome to...the Jerry Springer Show! Our guests are outraged and
are here to reclaim their lovers back. Today... Superheroes: When Love Goes
Wrong. Please meet Barbara.
[Camera focuses on
Batgirl whoıs sitting in chair, legs crossed at the ankles.]
Jerry: Sheıs here to take back the man she loves. So, would
you tell us how long you and your...boyfriend have been seeing each other?
Batgirl: Well Jerry, weıve seeing each other for about nine
months now. Heıs been really good to me...until...
Jerry: Another woman showed up?
Batgirl: *rolls eyes* Yes. You see, his reputation is
quite...dubious and his record isnıt all that perfect.
Jerry: Then what are you doing sleeping with the guy?
Audience: *Applauds, whistles in agreement to Jerryıs
question*
Batgirl: I love him, heıs been the perfect gentleman to me,
never leading me on...nothing.
Audience: Awwwww
Jerry: Well, if heıs been the ³the perfect gentleman² to
you he would have never run off with this...other person, am I right?
Batgirl: *angered*
Now thatıs where youıre wrong....She STOLE him from me!
Jerry: *backs off seeing the womanıs fiery eyes* Well
should we bring out this...other woman? Here is...Selina!!
[Catwoman walks out slowly glaring to Batgirl. She sits in
a chair placed at a safe end at the opposite side of the stage.]
Catwoman: *calmly* Hello Jerry..
Jerry: *chuckles* Hello Catwoman. You mind telling us
whatıs going on?
Catwoman: Well...for the longest time both him and I were
playing a game of cat and mouse. Iıve lead him on a quite a few merry chases.
Batgirl: Ones that landed YOU in Arkham.
Catwoman: DONıT go there Brat-Girl
Batgirl: Oooo! Touché!
Catwoman: *glares* Bats are just MICE with wings little
girl!! *stands from chair extending claws
[Steve gets up trying to hold the woman back. Catwoman
pulls away as Batgirl stands in defense.]
Jerry: Catwoman...it says here youıve got quite a record
here
Batgirl: *I* should think so...sheıs a thief! She stole
my--
Catwoman:*smiles assuring taking out whip* Iım an
*excellent* thief
Batgirl: You *bleep!*
[Batgirl lunges for Catwoman kicking the security guards
out the way. Catwoman defends herself cracking her whip, hitting Batgirlıs arm.
Batgirl withdrawals a batarang which is quickly confiscated by Steve.]
Batgirl: Hey!!
Steve: Sorry, no weapons
Batgirl: *points at Catwoman* But--you didnıt take *her*
whip away!!
Steve: She can keep it...makes her look sexy
Audience: *chats* Steve, Steve, Steve!!!!!
Steve: *grins taking away Batgirlıs belt
Catwoman: *smiles* Looks like the table has turned
Batgirl: *picks up chair tosses it at Catwoman* Or chairs!
Depending on how you look at it
Steve: *pulls Batgirl away* Cool it...NOW!
Batgirl: Iım the *good* guy!!
[Crew members place the chair back while Steve calms
Batgirl down. Everyone sits again.]
Jerry: Wow
Audience: *laughs*
Jerry: This guy must really be something to have two
beautiful woman fighting over. Lets bring him out shall we? Heres..*read
card* Man! You CANT be serious!
Cue-Card Man: *nods* Thatıs what it says, the informationıs
correct.
Jerry: *sighs* All right...here he is, the Dark Knight
himself...Batman!
Audience: *gasps as The caped Crusader enters and sits down
in the middle of the two women*
Jerry: Wow.. *chuckles* Iıve never, EVER had a show like
this before. So...Batman
.whats going on?
Catwoman: That tramps jealous!
Batgirl: *snaps* AM not! WHAT THE *bleep* YOU JUST CALL ME?
Catwoman: *turns* Youre a little
[Batman places his gloved hand to Catwomanıs mouth who
immediate sucks on it. He gives Batgirl a warning glance.]
Batman: *softly* Calm down Selina......
Catwoman: *whimpers* She tried to hurt me
Batgirl: *Bleep!*
Catwoman: You were the one who threw the chair at me
Batgirl: I had GOOD reason to!
Catwoman: THATıS IT BITCH!!!!
Jerry: Did we NOT censor that?
[Catwoman takes out whip, cracks it towards Batgirl. Batman
steps in as it wraps around his arm.]
Catwoman: MOVE IT!
Batgirl: *places hands on hips* Told ya he cares for me
Audience: *goes wild*
Batman: *turns back to Batgirl with a smile* You HAD your
chance Selina...
[Steve restrains Selina drags her off stage kicking and
screaming]
Jerry: Did Batman smile?
Audience: *takes pictures*
Catwoman: *punches Steve in the gut flipping over to
Batgirl knocking her off her feet.*
[The two roll on the floor pulling at each over. Batman steps
in breaking the two women apart. Batgirl discovers a few scratches on her left
arm and glares back to Selina.]
Batgirl: *holds arm* *bleepin BLEEP*
Batman: *softly* calm down....
Batgirl: *hisses* Tell that to Fat Cat over there
Catwoman: You callin ME fat!!
Jerry: *turns to the camera* Okay! Well, lets go to a
commercial so we can get this mess sorted out.
[Fade out, Jerry Springer theme plays-cut to commercial]
*******
[Fade in; theme plays focusing camera lens on cheering
crowd. Focus on Jerry Springer]
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back! For those of you just joining us,
weıve been talking about loves gone wrong...in the Superhero world!! Yes, we
thought this topic needed to be discussed so weıve brought in
*reads cue-card*
all sorts of people...Letıs meet our next guests. This is Lois Lane, many know
her from her award winning stories in the Daily Planet Newspaper and is here
today for...some sort of Surprise.
[Camera zooms in on Lois whoıs sitting where Batman once
sat.]
Jerry: Miss Lane...Do you have any idea why you are here?
Lois: *sarcastically* Well, if Iım on the Jerry Springer
show someone wants to kick my ass I know what much
Jerry: *chuckles* well not necessarily...but...so it says
here that youıve won The Excalibur Award not to recently. Congrats.
Lois: *smiles* Thank you. You think I can get an interview?
Jerry: *speaks who is caught off guard by the question*
Weıll have to see how things turn out...
Lois: Fine by me.
Jerry: Well, a very good friend of yours is here to confess
their love to you
Lois: *excited*
Superman
Jerry: *shrugs* Well letıs see....come on out!
[Clark Kent walks on stage and sits in chair]
Lois: *laughs* Smallville?! *turns to Jerry* This is a
GREAT joker
Clark: Itıs not a joke Lois...
Lois: *looks out into audience* Weıve got to get Superman
here...
Clark: *sighs knowing sheıll never recognize him* Ill go
see...if I can find him
[Superman soon floats on stage]
Superman: Hello Lois
Lois: Superman! Its really you?
Batgirl: *walks out on stage* Superman! *walks closer*
Superman: *looks back seeing yet another image appear*
Batman: Well if it isnıt the big Boy Scout.
Superman: Suddenly I feel double teamed....
<br><br>
Batman: Its your fault?
Superman: *looks around confused* I--Iım sorry I donıt know
what your talking about....
Batgirl: *jumps into Supermans arms* You know how Long
Ive waited for this moment??
Lois: *stands up trying to pull Batgirl out of Supermans
arms* Back off sister! Hes mine!!
Batgirl: *glares* Let me have my one second of fame? You
can do it when youıre falling out of a window or something.
Superman: *puts Batgirl down* Look, I
Batman: *angered* Would YOU stop?
Superman: Stop what?
Batman: Not you HER *points to Batgirl* Superman this,
Superman THAT!!
Batgirl* Steps away* Im sorry...I didnıt know
Jerry: Okay wait!! Why is BATGIRL here?
Batman: Ill answer that one....shes in love with him
Batgirl: *swallows hard* Not as much as you, babe...
[Maxima teleports on stage in the middle of the stage.
Everyone watches in awe.]
Maxima: Beloved!
Superman: *raised eyebrow* Maxima?
Batgirl and Batman: WHO!?
Lois: *groans*
Maxima: I am, the Lady Maxima, Warrior Queen, Head of the
Royal House, and Leader of ALL Almerac!
Superman: Maxima, weıve been through this before....
Maxima: I can do as I wish
Batgirl: *walks in front of Superman keeping a distance
between Maxima and Superman* Look, LADY
Maxima: You *DARE* talk to me like that little girl?
*Punches Batgirl making her fall unconscious*
Batman: Batgirl! *rushes over picking up Batgirls body.
Looks up to Superman* Look what your *bleep* done!!
Superman: *turns to Maxima taking her by the arm blasting
out of the studio* NO Maxima! Weve been through this. THAT was totally
uncalled for.
Maxima: She deserved it. If *I* canıt have you...Batgirl
canıt either.
Superman: And Lois?
Maxima: What about that twig?
Lois: *listens* Hey! Iım not a twig
Maxima: *glares* You *are* and you know it you....twip!!
Lois: *laughs, turns to Batman* She called ME twip
Batman: *takes something out of utility belt staring back
at green rock* Hey Supes! Catch!!
Superman: Huh? *catches immediately falls to the ground*
Arugh!!!
Lois: Itıs Kryptonite!!
Superman: No Sh--ARGH!!!
Jerry: This is SOME show!
Audience: *gasps* *chants* JERRY. JERRY, JERRY!
Batman: *picks up Batgirl* We have to go...our work HERE is
done
Batgirl: *starts to come around* What happened?
Batman: *smirks...OH nothing....
[Batman walks off stage. Camera pans back to Maxima and
Lois. Lois tosses the Kryptonite out of the studio and Superman slowly comes
to.]
Maxima: *shoves Lois out of the way* Are YOU all right?
Lois: BITCH!!! *slaps Maxima*
Maxima: *growls taking off her boot throwing it at Loisı
head* ILL HAVE YOU FED TO THE CARNERITE!!!
Lois: *ducks* OOO! Im SO scared!
Maxima: *lunges for Lois, pulling hair*
Lois: Ow! *kicks Maxima with her heel*
Maxima: oof! *falls back*
Superman: Ladies!! Lois!
Maxima: *karate kicks Lois to the ground* Youıll pay for
that TWIG!!!
Lois: *wearily* Nugh...
Maxima: *presses wrist making portal and walks into it
dragging Lois behind* Later Honey!!
Superman: *uses super-speed and cuts Maxima off* I canıt
allow you to do this...
Jerry: Im afraid hes right. You have to stick around for
questions!!
Maxima: *sighs* Very well...*shuts off portal* AFTER the
show then!!!
Jerry: *looks to camera* Weıll be RIGHT back!
[Pan on audience, theme music starts. Cut to commercial,
fade to black.]
*********
[Pan camera across stage which is pretty much torn apart by
guests. Focus back on Jerry. Theme music stops]
Jerry: Im glad you can join us once again. Our next guest
says sheıs sick of being ignored. The man she loves is obsessing over someone
other than her and shes tired of his shit!!
[Audience members feel her pity]
Jerry: Please meet Harley
[Camera focus in on Harley Quinn whos playing with her pet
hyenas, Bud and Lou.]
Harley: Heya Jerry! *waves*
Jerry: Hello, Harley. Would you mind telling us whatıs
going on?
Harley: *frowns* My beloved Mistah J wonıt pay any attention
t me! Its crazy I tell ya!
Jerry: *mutters* Like you?
Harley: *looks up* What?
Jerry: Nothing
Harley: Anywho....
Jerry: So why isnıt he paying attention to you? Was there
something that went wrong?
Harley: Yeah! In his brain!
Jerry: Shall we meet this person that heıs obsessing over?
Audience: YEAH!!!!
Jerry: Letıs bring him out...here is *reads cue-card* Oh
man! Again? Batman!
[Camera focus in on Batman and sits down in chair*
Harley: Itıs ALWAYS Batman! BATman! Why doncha go live in a
TRASH CAN!? Me an mı puddinı need to have a happy life! *points* and YOU screw
EVERYTHING up!
Batman: *coldly* You did it to yourself...
<br><br>
Harley: NO!!!
Batman: He likes ME better THAN YOU? *smirks a little*
sad....
Harley: *pouts* yeah... *stands up frowning taking out Pop
Gun points it a Batman*
Batman: *kicks it out of her hand*
Harley: BABIES!!!! *Bud and Lou perk their heads up and
tackle Batman, gnawing him AND everything!*
Batman: Arugh!
Harley: *pulls out fish and points it at Springer* BRING
OUT Mistah J!!!!
Jerry: *gulps* Here he IS...the Clown Prince of Crime, The
Joker!
[Joker walks out on stage and takes a bow.]
Joker: Thank YOU! THANK YOU!!!
Harley: *drops fish* Puddinı!! *runs into Jokerıs arms*
Joker: Harley? Hey boo! I see you got the mean olı Bat!
*laughs*
Harley: YEAH!
Joker: *puts Harley down and pats her head and pushes her
away. Kicks Bud and Lou off Batman* I WANT TO DO THAT!!
Batman: *weakly* uhhh
Joker: You said it
Harley: *frowns* But--Puddinı!!
Joker: NOT now!!! *picks up Batman by the cape and runs
across stage with him dragging behind*
Jerry: Uhhh...I donıt think thatıs good for his--brain?
Joker: *runs around singing* Iıve got Batmaaaaaan...look at
ME!!!
Batman: *grunts*
Joker: Course itıs good!
Harley: *Takes out extendable boxing glove and hits Joker
causing him to drop Batman* No! SEE!! JERRY! Thatıs what I mean!! He donıt pay
any attention to me
Joker: *dizzily* Har-ley?
Harley: *looks back a little excited* Yes puddinı?
Joker: Youıre the greatest!!
Harley: *Squeals running into Jokerıs arms* My angel!!
Batman: *crawls off stage holding head groaning*
Jerry: Well! Wasnıt THAT something? We just wasted fifteen
minutes of air time! *turns to camera* Weıll be right back with questions and
comments from the audience.
[Fade out, cut to Viagra commercial sponsored by Jerry
Springer.]
***********
[Pan camera across stage showing Batman, Superman, Batgirl,
Catwoman, Maxima, Lois Lane, Harley Quinn, Joker sitting in chairs while the
Jerry Springer theme plays. Show Jerry with an audience member a very familiar
Superboy.]
Superboy: Uh Hi! I gotta question for Batboy! I wanna know
does yo head hurt!? Cuz...if yo ass was gettinı dragged across stage like
that...iım surprised that you didnıt get a concussion!
Audience: *laughs*
Joker: MY DEAR Superbrat!!! Hahaha! Cımere boy!
Superboy: Uh, uh...no thanks clown. Iım finna stay away
from yo ugly ass!
Batman: *grunts*
Lois: *looks around* Wasnıt Clark here? Didnıt YOU see him
Superman?
Superman: Uh..heıs in the bathroom
Lois: Okay! Weıll wait for him....
Joker: Iım NOT ugly BRAT!
Superboy: Yeah you ARE. Iım outta here *flies out of hole
that Superman and Maxima made earlier*
Jerry: We need to get THAT repaired!! Okay...and hello
there
[Camera focuses in on Lobo]
Lobo: *grabs mike and starts talking* Yeah! My questionıs
for the Boy Scout and *waves* Lady Girl ova here Maxima...thought you and I was
sumthin? And for Supes...* pulls out chain* you still owe me one!!
Superman: Uhhhh. Canıt you see Iım on a talk show?
Lobo: SO TALK! This ainıt no talk show itıs a flight show!!
Look at the Batbrat--
Batgirl: Hey
Lobo: Catwoman tore her up! Actually itıs the other way
around! Talk about a catfight! Meeeoooowww!!!
Catwoman: She started it *points at Batgirl*
Batgirl: Liar!
Catwoman: Whoıs the bitch now? Looks like Batman has you on
a short leash...
Batman: That was Uncalled for!
Catwoman: So youıre admitting it?
Maxima: *confused* Admitting what?
Catwoman: Batgirlıs a *bleep!*
Batgirl: Fuck *bleeep!*
Lobo: *sits down* I rest my case
Catwoman:*gets up attacking the caped crusader*
Batgirl: Off me you--*bleep!*
Catwoman: *bleep!*
Superman: *steps in breaking the two apart* Steve *turns to
Steve whoıs still out cold* Never mind *looks at Batgirl* behave
Batgirl: *softly* Yes sir... Did I tell you that I lov--
Lois: DONıT even!
Superman: Oh brother! *Steps in between the two furious
women*
[Camera zooms in on a excited Supergirl]
Supergirl: I hava question! Jerry!
Jerry: *walks to Supergirl and hands her the mike*
Supergirl: *to Superman* Who do YOU love??
Superman: *smirks sitting back in chair thatıs next to
Batman. He places a hand on Batmanıs shoulder and kisses him passionately.*
MMMMMM...Batman.
Supergirl: *faints*
Jerry: OhMI--*turns back to Batman and Superman*
Batman: *pulls away surprised by the actions* I uh...
Batgirl: Mygod!
Lois: *gasps and faints*
Audience: *nearly half the audience has fainted and the few
that are still up and clapping wildly, whistling, chanting* JERRY, JERRY,
JERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: TALK ABOUT A SOPA OPRAH!!!
Audience: *laughs*
Superman: *traces bat emblem on Batmanıs chest*
Batgirl: Oh cımon! You can do THAT to me!!!
Batman and Superman: Who me?
Batgirl: *grins*
Joker: HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harley: *crinkles nose* EEEEWWWWWWWWWWW! Who wants little
Batsı runninı around dis joint!?
Joker: No kid! Batman and Superman....screw Batgirl!
*laughs because he made a joke*
[Camera focusı on a looming figure in the audience who
comes to be known as Robin]
Robin: Real weird. I have a comment or...somethinı.
Jerry: *walks over* Wow! The Boy Wonder
Joker: You mean the boy BLUNDER!!
Robin: *rolls eyes* Whatever. Batman...did you know that
secretly Superman had this thing for you? <br><br>
[Camera goes back to Batman, Batgirl and Superman. Batman
and Batgirl are sitting in Supermanıs lap.]
Batman: Thatıs something youıll have to find out...
Robin: *grins* What a SHOW!! Jerryıs da MAN!!
Audience: *chants* JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!!!!
Jerry: Why they chanting my name for?
Audience:*chants* JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!!!!!
Jerry: *walks around stage to go sit in stool*
[Camera fades to heroes sitting in chairs going over. FINAL
THOUGHT in bold letters appears over screen.]
Jerry: Homosexuality is something thatıs rising in America
today. Itıs not all that common in the superhero world, thanks to evidence
weıve seen here today. there is also reason to believe that a certain member of
the JLA--
Batgirl: JSA!
Jerry: *sighs* JSA,
one Wildcat has this. Itıs something that we shouldnıt be afraid of, but she
take into consideration. And often times we wonder....whatıs going on behind
the mask behind the curtains...
Superboy: *calls through roof* They makinı Whoopie!!
Jerry: *holds back laughter* What he said.....
Maxima: How long does this go on?
Jerry: Would you LET me finish my final thought!? Sheeh!
Everyone: Sorry
Jerry: *turns* Thank you. Now....We owe a lot to there
heroes as well as villains. Without the them these so called superheroes
wouldnıt even have jobs. So next time if you see these people on the streets
still look at them in the same way. Theyıre the ones that protect you from
those evil-doers at night...keep criminals at bay. Be good to them and theyıll
be good to you. So take care of yourself.....and each other--
[Camera fade out, Jerry Springer music plays...End. Roll
credits]
Jerry: *wipes brow* okay---GOOD acting people...hereıs your
fifty million---thanks uh-huh, thanks, yeah! Thanks---
Superman: *to Batman* Would you like to get a cup of coffee
later?
Batman: Sure....
Superboy: You mean that actıs fake!?
Jerry: Course NOT!!! They just get paid to fight *smiles*
FADE OUT